Give Me Novacaine
by chimingofthebells
Summary: "What a wonderful way to die, in your arms." Arthur decides that he can't handle it anymore. Modern AU inspired by Green Day's "Give Me Novacaine." Merthur fic. Warning: Rated T for drugs, abuse, and suicide. Major character death.


**AN: Hello! A few things: One, this song is inspired by the Broadway version of Green Day's "Give Me Novacaine," so I highly recommend you go listen to that song once you're finished here. Two, this is my first really angsty fic so I would love feedback. Three, I have no idea about the different effects of different drugs, this is just what I imagine would happen. If any of the symptoms are wrong, please ignore that, I did my best! Thank you and enjoy!**

* * *

Arthur sits down in front of the little bottle, a sinking feeling in his stomach for what he is about to do. He crumples up the pharmacy bag and lets it drift to the floor. He raises one shaking hand to brush his still stinging face, and with the other switches off his phone, knowing that if he sees Merlin's name on the caller ID he won't be able to go through with it.

_Pain killers, _he thinks idly, reading the label on the bottle, _how true. _His eyes drift to the corner of the label, boasting of the 30 pills contained within. _That's more than enough to do it. _

He rips off the childproof cap and stares down at the blue pills, smooth and oblong, staring up at him like cold eyes, waiting for him to take the first one. _Am I brave enough to do this? _he hesitates. _Do I have the courage to go through with it?_

_Don't chicken out now,_ a part of him whispers,_ If you do you'll be a coward, just like everyone says you are. Besides, it's not like anyone is going to care. _

Arthur tips the bottle forward and four pills drop onto his palm. He rolls them in his fingers, feeling their smooth surface. _Just do it. _

One by one he tosses them into his mouth, each one swallowed with a gulp of water. He sits on his chair, marveling at how easy that was. Just a quick swallow and that's it. He tips the bottle forward and takes three more.

_Stop, _A part of him screams, _There's still time to turn around, you can go to bed and tell everyone you have the flu, you can still be alright..._

_You know you have to keep going,_ The rest of him retorts, _You know you have to escape, to end it all..._

His glass of water is gone with the next two pills, and he rises to get more.

* * *

_It's dark, and the lights of the city are reflected in puddles on the streets, the falling water causing their images to ripple and dance. Arthur stands on the corner, pulling his coat tighter around himself to shield his body from the torrential rain. For a moment he stands there, then gives up, deciding that he's already soaking wet anyways. He lets go of his jacket and simply hugs his arms around himself in a futile attempt to warm his shivering body. He casts a look behind him into the window of the five-star restaurant, waiting for Merlin to finish cleaning up so they can both go home.  
_

_He looks down the street and sees his father's building, standing tall and proud against the stormy clouds, "PENDRAGON ENTERPRISES" engraved on the big silver sign above the door. He shivers at the thought that this cold building is all that awaits his future, sitting in a luxurious, emotionless office, ordering around his frightened employees, just like his father.  
_

_"You're the Pendragon boy, aren't you?" Arthur blinks and looks down into the eyes of the man who had ambled up to him. He's looking at him drunkenly, bags under his bloodshot eyes, a nearly empty bottle dangling from his fingertips. Arthur nods.  
_

_"Don't you recognize me?" The man spits. Arthur squints through the rain. He does know this face, from somewhere, but he can't quite put his finger on it.  
_

_"You don't, do you?" The man accuses. "Of course you wouldn't, why would you remember the face of a man who your father fired after more than a decade of loyal labor!"  
_

_Arthur goes cold as he realizes. Yes, he had been there in his father's office the day Uther had screamed himself hoarse at the stuttering worker, shouting that he had failed the company, that he was fired, and sent him on his way. "Yes, I do know you..." he says. The worker scoffs.  
_

_"Of course _now_ you recognize me." He slurs. "I suppose it must be hard to remember the faces of all the people your father has wronged. I was a faithful employee at Pendragon Enterprises for twelve years, but did your father think of that when he fired me? Nooo, and did he take into consideration that I have a wife and four kids to feed? Nope. He's a cold, heartless bastard, Uther is, and you're gonna grow up to be just like him, I can tell, I can always tell."  
_

_He stumbles forward and jabs a finger into Arthur's chest, and Arthur takes a half step backwards. "I'm sorry that my father fired you, he shouldn't have done that, I'm sorry."  
_

_"Sorry doesn't cut it, boy," The drunk spits. "It's easy for you to say sorry, and then go home to your big house to count all your money for the hundreth time, am I right, rich boy?"  
_

_"No," Arthur protests, "I really am sorry."  
_

_"No you aren't, you're just like Uther- heartless."  
_

_He shakes his head frantically. "I'm not like him, I'm not, when I inherit the company I'll be kinder, come back then, maybe there'll be an opening..."  
_

_"Like hell!" The drunk yells, and brings his bottle up, only to miss Arthur's head by inches. He stumbles and returns, swinging his fist again, nearly colliding with his jaw, but Arthur is too quick for the drunk and ducks down.  
_

_"I'm sorry!" He yells, before feeling a warm hand in his own and he looks behind him to see Merlin standing there, finally finished with his shift.  
_

_"Come on," He mutters, tugging lightly to pull Arthur down the street, away from the screaming worker.  
_

_"You're worthless!" He calls after them. "Heartless, cold creature of industry! You don't deserve what you've got!"  
_

_"Don't listen to him," Merlin says as they round the corner, "He's drunk and resentful, you know how good of a combination that is."  
_

_Arthur nods stiffly and feels himself begin to tremble, tears prickling at his eyes. He lets a sob escape as Merlin pulls him into his arms, rocking him softly as he cries.  
_

_"You're not worthless," Merlin whispers into his hair, barely audible over the rain. "You're better than your father. You're a good man, never forget that."  
_

_Arthur only pushes his face into Merlin's shoulder as misery crashes onto the shores of his mind, because Merlin doesn't know that the worker was right, he is worthless, he will never be a good leader at Pendragon Enterprises, even if he wanted to inherit the company in the first place. He didn't need a resentful drunk to remind him of that.  
_

_The rain plunges down, snaking down Arthur's neck and soaking into his skin, and he holds tight to Merlin, his only source of light in his dark world.  
_

* * *

Arthur flexes his fingers, enjoying the growing tingling sensation in his body. The buzzing spreads from his toes to his fingertips and fills his head with a heavy fog. The draft from the ceiling fan gently ruffles his hair, sending his minds into a swirl. He grins slightly as he realizes that the pills are starting to take effect. He extends a shaking hand to take four more pills. _It will all be over soon..._

* * *

_"Arthur," Merlin pulls their lips apart, resting their foreheads against each other. "I love you."  
_

_"I love you too," Arthur breathes as he pulls their mouths together again, putting everything he has into the kiss, knowing that they shouldn't be doing this here lest they get caught, because Uther is in the building and can walk in on them at any second, but Merlin is rubbing small circles on his neck and Arthur can't bring himself to care, his head spinning with the euphoria that always comes with kissing him.  
_

_The door slams open and they jump apart to look on in horror, Arthur's father standing in the doorway, frozen in shock, mouth agape.  
_

_"Father-" Arthur stammers as Uther's face goes from white to red to purple with rage.  
_

_"How long has this been going on?" He demands, and when Arthur answers a year he shouts, "Shagging a man behind my back for an entire year?"  
_

_"Father, I..."  
_

_"Get out," He spits, and Merlin gives Arthur's hand a reassuring squeeze before scurrying from the room. Arthur watches him go, wishing he could stay but grateful that he won't witness his father's fury.  
_

_Uther glares at his son, nostrils flaring in rage. "A man...you've been with a man...do you know just how serious this is?"  
_

_"It's important, I know that much," Arthur answers.  
_

_"If you were ever caught, do you realize what that would mean for the company? Our reputation is teetering on the edge these days, if the press found out about a scandal like this it would mean the downfall of Pendragon Enterprises. Your entire future would disappear and our reputation would be in tatters, is that what you want?"  
_

_"No, of course not, I would never want that," Arthur says.  
_

_"You ruddy well don't want that," Uther fumes. "Which is why your relationship with this boy will end immediately."  
_

_Arthur's eyes grow wide. "What?"  
_

_"And any other sick relations with men. You will be either with a girl or with nobody at all."  
_

_"Father, you can't seriously think you can-"  
_

_"You will cease this practice, is that understood?"  
_

_"Father-"  
_

_"I said, IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?"  
_

_Arthur stops, staring at his furious father in disbelief. He gives a resigned sigh. "Yes, father..."_

* * *

Three more pills down, and tremors begin to seize Arthur's body. He tips the bottle so that the tiny blue objects spill into a pile on the table. Over half of them are now gone. He drags a shaking finger through the pills, sending them scattering across the wooden surface. They appear to be blowing up and shrinking in size, their image rippling as if under deep water. Arthur leans forward as wet coughs tear from his lungs. His hands grab at the little pills and he throws them into his gaping mouth, one after the other, no longer keeping track of their number. He bites down on them, feeling them break between his teeth, the vibrations reverberating through his brain, their snap echoing again and again and again. They are swallowed without water, ground into fragments.

He inhales too sharply and a shard gets caught in his windpipe. He violently rejects it, heaving and gasping for air until he feels it fly from his mouth and oxygen once more rushes into him. He takes a great shuddering breath and reaches for his glass of water, but in his discord he grabs it too forcefully, sending the half empty glass flying over the edge of the table. The sound of it shattering on the floor is so loud in his brain, much louder than it should, echoing long after the shards have become still on the floor.

He makes to stand up, bracing his hands on the table and heaving himself into a standing position. He sways for a moment, the movement sending his blood rushing to his head, clouds fogging up his vision briefly. He feels his head throbbing, his heart pulsing frantically, pumping through his veins at the speed of sound.

He lifts one foot, and with the shift in weight he is sent sprawling to the floor. He feels the broken glass pierce his skin and he watches the blood seep from the cuts, marveling at how the red liquid seems to snake from his skin and coil on the floor, painting it dark red. His head throbs and he shifts, unsure if that pounding and calling of his name is real or a product of his drugged mind, it sounds so distant.

* * *

_Merlin stares at him dumbfounded, and Arthur has to force himself not to look away from the hurt in his eyes. "What did you say?"_

_"I said we can't be together." He forces his voice to stay calm.  
_

_"But...why?" Merlin asks. "I thought we were...happy together, weren't we?"  
_

_"We were," Arthur admits. "It's not that I don't like you Merlin, it's just that I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future and with the path I want to take. I'm sorry, but that path doesn't contain you."  
_

_Merlin stares at him. "And what does it contain?" He says quietly. "Big-shot owner of Pendragon Enterprises? Living in a big mansion, ordering around your employees like scum while you sit back and count your money, alone?"  
_

_"Yes," Arthur forces himself to say, "I'm sorry but you'll just get in the way."  
_

_Merlin shakes his head. "This is because of your father, isn't it?" He accuses. "Does he really hold that much power over you? Are you really that desperate for his approval?"  
_

_Arthur winces at the venom in his lover's pained voice. He hides his shaking hands behind his back. "This was entirely my decision, and I stand by it."  
_

_"I've always been there for you," Merlin says. "You've said it yourself hundreds of times that I was the only one there for you, when everyone else had turned their back on the rich boy and your father was pressuring you, I was always there. And now you're telling me I'm getting in your way. You said you loved me..."  
_

_Merlin's eyes brim over with tears and Arthur bites his lip to stop his own from overflowing. "I'm sorry," he chokes out.  
_

_"Arthur please, don't do this...don't let your father rule your life, we can get through this together, you and I..."  
_

_"No," Arthur says forcefully. "You can't help me, no one can."  
_

_"Arthur, please-"  
_

_"Go," He says with finality. "Get out, now."  
_

_Merlin gapes at him, hurt and heartbreak displayed on his features, tears streaming freely from his eyes. Arthur looks away, and Merlin stares for a second more before turning and walking quickly away. Arthur trembles, feeling his heart crumble in his chest and sink down, past his feet and to the floor.  
_

_He just let his only point of light walk away. Waves of despair crash over him, taking hold of his mind and tearing him apart, limb from limb, darkness clawing at him until he falls to his knees, tears ripping from his eyes and cascading down his cheeks as he emits a tortured cry._

* * *

Arthur lies on the floor, shuddering and heaving. There's a pounding that keeps getting louder and more frantic, and Arthur groans to drown it out, covering his ears with his hands. He's lying in something thick and smelly, and he vaguely realizes that it's vomit from when his body had violently rejected the pills that were taking over him. _  
_

There's a crash as his apartment door slams open and Arthur smiles because there's only one other person who has a key to that door, and he hears that wonderful voice calling out to him, distorted as if heard from under water:

"Arthur, I got your text, please tell me you haven't done anything stupid, you haven't been answering my calls- _Arthur!"_

* * *

_"Arthur, pay attention." He blinks at his father's face. He's in Uther's office, on the top floor of the building, filled with black leather furniture on polished hardwood floors by a huge window overlooking the city.  
_

_"Sorry, father," He says vaguely.  
_

_"You can't allow your mind to keep wandering like that. When you take over from me you must be focused. You will be very busy, and one single mistake could ruin the company...Arthur, are you still listening?"  
_

_"What?"  
_

_"Arthur," Uther growls in frustration, "You have to listen to me."  
_

_"Sorry father, I'm just tired, I haven't been sleeping well lately."  
_

_"Why not?" Uther snaps.  
_

_"Why do you think?" Arthur says.  
_

_"Because your mind is filled with nonsensical delusions instead of business," His father replies.  
_

_"You're right," Arthur agrees, "Nonsensical, maybe, but not delusions."  
_

_"What are you talking about?"  
_

_"Love," Arthur replies. "Or rather, the absence of it."  
_

_"What do you mean, love? What would you know about love?"  
_

_"I was in love. I still am, but I was forced to leave him and not a day goes by when I don't regret that."  
_

_Uther sighs. "What you had was a disgusting crush fueled by hormones, you'll get over it."  
_

_Arthur shakes his head. "It was more than a crush, father. I loved him, and I still do."  
_

_Uther glares at him. "Say that again."  
_

_"You heard me."  
_

_"What was that?" He asks menacingly.  
_

_"I said, I love him. I love Merlin."  
_

_Arthur stumbles as the back of his father's hand is brought down on his face forcefully, temporarily blinding him. Pain flashes through him as he feels his Uther's ring drag across his flesh, leaving a stinging red mark pulsing on his cheek.  
_

_"You do not love him!" Uther screams. "You don't know anything of love!"  
_

_Arthur raises his eyes to meet those of his father's, wide and livid and furious. "And I suppose you could educate me?"  
_

_"All you need to know is that love is the downfall of great men. It's nothing but a chemical defect that gets in the way of success."  
_

_"If love is so wrong, what it you feel for me, your only son?"  
_

_"If you keep holding on to these delusions that you love this boy, then you are no longer my son."  
_

_The words cut through Arthur like a knife. "If I'm not your son then I can't inherit Pendragon Enterprises," he challenges.  
_

_"You will lose the future I have spent decades building for you. You will lose the fortune left to you, the college admittance, the high-level job that would have guaranteed a comfortable and well-off life, all for the sake of a boy that will ultimately leave you with nothing but a ruined life. Make your choice."  
_

_Arthur stares at his father, knowing he means every word he's saying. He straightens up and flees the room, holding his stinging cheek, fighting back tears._

* * *

Merlin stands in the doorway transfixed, eyes roaming over the empty bottle of pills, the shattered glass, and Arthur heaving on the floor in a puddle of his own blood and vomit, color drained from his face.

"Christ, Arthur, what have you done?" Arthur feels himself gathered into his arms.

"How many did you take?" He tries to respond, but all that comes out is a string of strangled gibberish.

"I'm calling an ambulance, hold on Arthur."

_It's too late,_ Arthur wants to say.

* * *

_Arthur arrives at his flat, cheek still stinging from where Uther had hit him. He locks the door behind him, shifting the pharmacy shopping bag to his elbow to pull out his phone. He opens a new text message to Merlin and stares at the screen, unsure of what to say. "I'm sorry"? "I never should have said those things"? "Forgive me"? Finally he settles on "I love you," and presses send before turning it off and shoving it back into his pocket. He knows Merlin will understand and come for him as soon as he can, even though they haven't spoken since that horrible night. Merlin will receive the text, call him, and when Arthur doesn't pick up he'll know what happened and fly to his aid as soon as possible, but by then it will be too late..._

* * *

Merlin's face swims above him, eyes wide and terrified. He looks up at his distorted image, seeing the disheveled black hair, his flushed skin, the tears streaming from his frantic eyes. Arthur brings a hand up and fishes in the air before it finds Merlin's hair, just above those ridiculous ears of his that he loves so much. _Stop worrying, _he thinks, fingers fumbling in Merlin's locks. _I'm going to die, but it will be okay, see? I took painkillers, it's nothing to worry about. __  
_

_"_Arthur, dammit, why did you do this?"

Oh god, his voice, frantic, agitated, desperate.

"I'm supposed to protect you, I was supposed to be here for you, why did you do this?" He asks, tears streaming down his face.

_It's not your fault, _He wants to tell him, _Don't blame yourself, it was me, it was all me, I couldn't bear the thought of a life without you but I was too cowardly to challenge my father, I was desperate for his approval, I wanted him to be proud of me but that meant losing you and I just couldn't do it, Merlin. I love you so much and I know what this is going to do to you and you don't deserve any of it, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry._

He opens his mouth to say these things but he can only stutter, choking out incoherent sounds.

"Mmmmrrl'nnn..."

Merlin shakes his head frantically, wiping Arthur's face with his sleeve, brushing away the sweat and sick that was there. Arthur's hand falls to the floor.

_I'm so sorry, _He screams in his mind as his body spasms, his limbs twitching wildly, and the world spins around him, melting and wavering, and through the fog in his mind he realizes that the end is nearly upon him.

"No, Arthur, please," Merlin begs, and when Arthur only continues to writhe, he lowers himself to press his lips to his lover's one final time. He clings to them, drawing out the kiss as long as possible, screwing his eyes shut against the flow of tears.

Merlin's lips are salty with tears, and when Arthur tastes them he can't help but feel a rush of joy. _What a wonderful way to die, in your arms, _He thinks, as the darkness finally claims him and he falls into oblivion.

* * *

**"Give Me Novacaine,"- American Idiot Original Broadway Cast  
**


End file.
